by heather jackson
I never thought I would be a mom. I never thought that me, Heather, would become pregnant. Or be a single mother or be one of "those" pregnant girls in high school.
Reasoning for not wanting children was because I would start thinking of the over population growth of the world, the stupid leaders of the world, all the unwanted children all over... and I didn't want to bring a child into the world subject to any of that. So as growing up, I was pretty set on more than likely not having a child.
Then I met someone who was my first love. I was quit infactuated by him and had known who he was for several years. I finally formally met him when I turned 18, on my 18th birthday in fact and a couple months later we were together. Then that December I was pregnant.
I was 18, a senior in high school in total denial of being pregnant. Who wanted to be in my situation? Running out of band class to go puke in the bathroom. Telling myself it was from the orange juice & vitamins I swallowed, not pregnancy. I was on the pill, dammit. I was still living at my mom's house. How could I, Heather, being 18, not married, in high school still and PREGNANT?
I moved out of my parents' house that February into a small effiency apartment on Valley St. It was a small room and across the hallway was the kitchen and bathroom. It was good sized for me, I didn't have much... a bed, tv, dresser, shelves and a small table.
The months went on of being in denial. I was so scared beyond anything in my entire life. I knew that yes, in fact I was pregnant and that there was MY baby growing inside of me, that yes, I had produced this and that yes I was a mother. It was a scary thing to admit to myself. I wasn't even done with high school, I hadn't even done what "normal" kids my age had done. I was working full time at McDonald's the last few months of high school. It was scary to feel and see her kick my stomach.
Finally coming to terms with what I was (pregnant)... I was relieved to finally admit that to myself and to finally see the positive result on the pregnancy test while my sister, Crystal and our friend, Tah was standing beside me. I knew I was and I had finally come to terms with it. Then looking up mid-wives in the yellow pages to set up an appointment and telling the receptionist, "I'm pregnant, I need an appointment."
My first love had broke up with me when I was 5 months along, we kept in contact but we weren't together and he saw the first ultrasound. I couldn't even look at the screen because I was so scared and unhappy with my situation. I was NOT ready to be a mother. I felt I wasn't even ME yet. I even thought about adoption and called a place to look at potential couples to be the parents of my child.
The day I gave birth was interesting. I had been having contractions the night before that were about an hour apart. It didn't hurt very much, but it was still very odd to go through and almost surreal. The next day, I woke up and was going about my normal things with my belly and trying to relax. I ate some pizza, thinking the cramps were possibly from hunger. I ran to my apartment to get a few things and went pee - I lost the mucus plug. I was thinking... "Quick, Heather! Check your pregnancy book - under 9 months... what? Yes, this is true: I am going into labor."
I went through the ER doors and went up to the nurse and said, "I'm in labor, where the hell do I go?" They looked at me strangely, pointed to the elevators and said, "Third floor." So I waddled my way up there.
Walking off those elevators onto the floor where babies are born was one of the weirdest things. No one was with me and here I am, again, Heather... walking to give birth. It was a weird combination of words playing over & over in my head. I saw a nurse and told what was going on, so she brought me into a room to check my cervix.
Things were blurry for sure. The day is almost like a drunken haze. The nurse checked my cervix and freaked, "She is 8cm dialated!" And off to the birthing room I went. My mid-wife finally got there and i was at 9cm around 7ish, I believe. My water wouldn't break, so she broke it for me and it was a weird sensation.
I remember pushing a few times, the nurses saying things to me and very fainlty being rapped to by the words of Ol' Dirty Bastard. I gave birth to my daughter at 8:05pm on September 25, 2001, shortly after my 19th birthday with no drugs, all natural.
I remember seeing her for the first time and being honestly, weirded out. She was my daughter, a part of me. It was surreal seeing her laying on my stomach, crying and looking up at me when she heard my voice. The nurse said, "See, she recognizes your voice..."
After all that, the emotions I went through on coming to terms with being a mom - young, not married and scared out of my mind - I don't regret. I am so proud to be a mama. I love my daughter more than anything and anyone in the world. Never would I replace those moments with anything else.
Now here I am 23 with my kid who's 4. She will be 5 in September and that freaks me out. I have no intentions of having another child any time soon... this is the way I want things for now. I am happy to be a single mother with a child just tryiing to go through my life.