Community Advocacy and Support by and for Young Mothers

My Story by Erin

My Story
by Erin

I have always been the person who everyone had high expectations for. I was always expected to do well in school, go to college and be "somebody". Things didn't turn out that way. After high school, I decided I needed a little break from school. That's when I met Ryan, who seemed like the perfect guy for me. He seemed to really care about me and who I was. Our relationship was going really well, so well that I though to myself, "This is too good to be true." It was.

Four months into the relationship, I had sex with him. Which is something I am still confused about because I was not sexually active, due to the fact that my parents hadinstilled in me the belief that sex is a special thing and not to waste it on just anybody. I actually don't really remember having sex with him. I guess I did though because some of my closest friends confronted me about it afterwards. Then, I guess I just felt obligated to continue this "sexual relationship" even though I hadn't ever believed premarital sex before then.

One day I found an Altoids container on his table, and I picked it up and opened it because I wanted a mint. Ryan pulled it out of my hand but not quickly enough. I saw all the different pills inside of the tin. I asked him about it and he started to laugh. I asked him what was so funny and he said, " I put 'em in people drinks at parties."
He asked me why I was so mad. I asked him where he got them from and he said his work (he worked at an animal hospital). So, I told him I could no longer be with him and I was leaving. His story changed really quickly. He said that they were meds for his heart condition (he has had an open heart surgery as an infant) He explained each one and I actually believed him. Acouple weeks later, I found out about his cocaine habit. His best friend mentioned it, thinking I knew about it. I confronted Ryan about it and he said he was going to NA for it. I told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship like this and that we needed to break up. He did the whole guilt trip thing on me, told me how that if we broke up he would definitely go back to using because he would be so upset. So, I stayed with him.

He became verbally abusive. He was yelling all the time and making fun of me. He would throw things at me and threaten me. I was too scared to leave the relationship at this point. On December 23 of that year I had a really weird feeling. Something was different with me and I didn't know what. I realized that I had to take a pregnancy test. I bought two boxes, a total of four tests.
Each one was positive.

I called Ryan and he told me I was getting an abortion. I told him that there was no possible way I would do that. I told my parents as soon as they got home. They told me that we were going to get through this together, which we have and continue to do. Later the night, Ryan brought over a list of abortion clinics. I was really upset and he said that he was just really confused. For the next two months, he took me on an emotional rollercoaster. He would go from wanting to keep the baby to wanting to give it up for adoption on a daily basis. I was a month and a half into my pregnancy and Ryan still didn't tell his parents so my Mom did that for him (without his permission). His mom said that she would support me in whatever decision I made, which turned out to be completely untrue.

To make a long story short, Ryan didn't go to any doctor's appointments or any ultrasound apts. His Mom just made excuses for him over and over again. The last time I saw Ryan was in February of this year, when I was two months pregnant. He hasn't yet seen him 3 month old son and I plan on keeping it that way. Ryan didn't only abandon me, but my son. And HE chose this for himself, not me. HE chose to walk out on his baby, HE chose not to have a relationship with his child. HE chose friends and drugs over his child. I didn't make those decisions for him, he did. I am 19 and I think I am doing a really good job at being a single mom. I am okay with it. I would rathe!r do this by myself than have a 'waste of space' around. I know that sounds cruel to refer to someone as a waste of space, but that is exactly what he is. I am glad I chose to keep my son.