Mean Guy

Submitted by acrane86 on Sun, 07/13/2008 - 8:50am.

I have been having a problem with one of my husbands friends. I have known this guy since high school, and we never have seen eye to eye. Now, he has been dating one of my best friends for over 5 years, and he is best friends with my husband (they have been friends longer than we have been together, and him and I have not gotten a long longer than I have been with my husband.) Although we have not gotten a long in the past, I am constantly trying my absolute best to try to get a long with him, as I respect that he is my best friends significant other, and good friends with my husband.
My problem is, this guy continues to be an ass to me. He doesn't do anything directly, its subtle comments, attitudes, and constant contradications of absolutely everything I say, and every opinion I hold tight to. Let me give some examples;
Last night, he was upset, because he had to shoot a movie (hes an actor), in the city and he was stuck in our small town. He was worried about not being able to get a bus to the city. He was just kinda standing there, and I said "I will go check the internet to see if we can find you a bus, so you can get to where you need to go", and went to go on the computer....we he gets really angry, and says " I know how to check the internet". I was just trying to help. *His girlfriend/my friend tried to stick up for me*
We were talking about marriage, and money, and I said that I could not be married to a man, who didnt have a job, or have any intentions of getting a job. He pretty much said I was superficial, and got all defensive *his girlfriend/my friend tried to stand up for me, again*
He got mad at me for telling someone not to use the word (trigger) "Paki" in front of me, and yelled at me in the middle of the street.
I tried to ask him about his new job, because I was trying to show interest in his life, and what he is doing, and he got all defensive, out of no-where, and refused to tell me *AGAIN my friend defended me*
The problem is 1. My husband never defends me. Dosnt say a damn thing, and gets mad at me, and takes his friends side, when I get upset.
and 2. I dont know how to address this issue myself. This guy is my best friends boyfriend, and I dont want to make things weird for her, and he is my husbands friend, and I dont want to be the cause of him to loose a friend. The only solution I can think of, is not to hang out with them (my husband and best friend), when this guy is around. I just really dont want to inconviniance anyone, or make things awkward.
I am sorry for the long post, and it must seem like these are trivial issues, but its really causing some issues at home.

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No its not trivial, that
Submitted by SkyKid45 on Sun, 07/13/2008 - 3:14pm.

No its not trivial, that sounds like a problem especially since it is causing you issues and that you seem to spend quite a bit of time around this guy. Have you tried talking to your husband when the guy isn't around? Sometimes its easier to bring up an issue like this when the person isn't around. Also, if you feel comfortable maybe you could try talking to the guy. He may not realize how much he is bothering you and saying something to him could at least get him to quit with the rude comments. I guess if those things don't work, maybe you would have to try to avoid hanging out with him, but hopefully he can be adult enough to realize that you are also his best friend's wife and his girlfriend's friend and he also needs to treat you with a little respect. I'm sorry that he's such a jerk to you, some people are so tactless.

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I have tried talking to my
Submitted by acrane86 on Sun, 07/13/2008 - 4:43pm.

I have tried talking to my husband about it, and he will either take his side, or say "I didnt realize that he was being like that, next time I will say something" and he NEVER does. It gets frusterating, as I dont want him to get in a fight with his friend, I just think that if he told his friend to cut it out, it would mean more coming from him.
My relationship with mean guy spans back 6 years. He can be quite the dramatic person, so many times he will begin a personal monologe, saying how he dosnt like how i am treating my husband, or how we are just two different people, or whatever....(it gets kinda tired, IMO), and how he is who he is, and I have to accept it. Its crap.
I just dont get it. Hes my husbands best friend, and my best friends boyfriend. If my husband and best friend think that I am a worth-while person, why couldnt he atleat respect that I might be a nice person?
I might try talking to the guy again, see if I can make a change. Maybe if I explain that I dont want to cause any bad feelings between his girlfriend and my husband, or get them involved, he will understand why it has to stop.

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From what you have been
Submitted by boigrrrlwonder on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 8:56pm.

From what you have been saying, it sounds like you have talked to your partner about the issue and your partner's action remained the same. I always have a lot of skepticism that someone who routinely fails to show me respect will suddenly do so if I just say the right thing. I think encouraging your husband and best friend to hang out with this guy without you might be the best available solution.

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I stopped hanging out with a
Submitted by MamaButterfly on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 7:18pm.

I stopped hanging out with a friend because she hated my boyfriend and was mean to him. If my boyfriend kept hanging out with someone who was mean to me and wouldn't defend me, that would not be okay with me.

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Honey, stand UP! Stand up
Submitted by mamamayhem on Fri, 07/18/2008 - 6:46pm.

Honey, stand UP! Stand up to your husband! This guy is giving you all this shit, and your partner is taking HIS side over yours? That's inconceivable to me. I would NEVER allow someone to disrespect my partner around me, and I've had to say things to people before (my boyfriend is the chatty type, and describes himself as socially backward, and he does rub some people the wrong way. Even knowing this, I won't let people talk shit about him or treat him badly around me)
Your partner should be the one telling him to cut this crap out, and you shouldn't be saying "I just won't hang out with everyone." This guy should be told that if he doesn't start being more respectful, HE is the one who needs to stop coming around.
It's nice that you don't want to break up a friendship, and you don't want anyone being uncomfortable around you, but it doesn't seem you're getting the same courtesy. There is no reason for you to be the martyr in this situation when it is not you who has the problem. Maybe, if no one else will call him out, you'll just have to draw up the bravery to do it yourself. To look at him and say "what is your problem with me, anyway?" Then, if he's forced to spell it out, people will see what a jerk he is.

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I thought that I would give
Submitted by acrane86 on Tue, 07/29/2008 - 4:59pm.

I thought that I would give a quick update...
first of all...thanks all of you for your answers...
Well the guy actually apologized to me last weekend!! I guess my husband had a talk with him, and told him he was being a dink (which REALLY surprised me!!!). He hasnt been that bad lately (but, this is just a 'honeymoon' period...weve been like this before.
I should call him out. It makes no sense for me to complain about it, because if I am not doing anything pro-active about it, how am I going to change it, right?

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